Well, my little Sour Skittles, we're in the home stretch. Just a few more days, and I'll be tearing down the street on a full-out sugar bender, fueling my Rocky Mountain candy high with Oreos, Jolly Ranchers, and Whatchamacallits, until I'm sweating chocolate and I collapse in a heap in the middle of Montgomery Road, sad and alone in nothing but a soiled pair of lederhosen. (Which is pretty much how I imagine Augustus Gloop would look now if Vh1 aired a "Wonka's Golden Ticket Winners: Where Are They Now?" special.) But more realistically, I'll look like Phillip, the Hyper-Hypo.
 |
| I'm a Hyper-Hypo! |
The way I see it, my love of all things chocolate and beer is really just a salute to my Swiss heritage. I mean, so what if I pop those Lindt truffles like aspirin? It's my way of saying,
"Thank you, Switzerland, for being
the landlocked, politically-neutral, Red Cross-wavin', chalet-buildin', time piece-craftin', Ricola-suckin' nation you are!" But don't let my Suisse Miss-ness fool you: just because my great-grandparents weren't Russian or Italian or French doesn't mean I can't appreciate other countries' "epicuriosities." In fact, this Easter, I think I'll have my own 'round the world celebration:
1.) In honor of Prince Billy Boy and Kitty Kat Middleton and their impending nuptials, (and my boss who is British by birth and English by the grace of God,) I'll start off the day with a nice cup of Earl Grey and a biscuit with marmalade. Except I don't know where I'm supposed to find "biscuits." My idea of a biscuit is a crumbly thing that either comes out of a Pillsbury canister or a box marked "KFC." Also, I don't like marmalade. Okay, so just the tea then.
2.) But man shan't live on tea alone, so I'll bid my comrades in Russia a chilly "dobraye utra" with a healthy dose of Kamchatka Vodka in my Bloody Mary. (Ashley and I are such fans, we shot an infomercial for them... for FREE. Wouldja believe it only took two takes??? I knoooow!)
3.) About this time I'll be looking for something to soak up the paint thinner-- I mean-- vodka in my gut, so some tiramisu is just what "il dottore" ordered. (See what I did there?!) Perfetto!
4.) Then I'll "hop over" to France (obligatory Easter Bunny reference) for a generous helping of whatever they eat. (Cigarette Pie? Croissan'Wiches??)
5.) Um, okay, next I'll holla 'hola' at Mexico and indulge in a vat of fried ice cream. That's traditional Mexican fare, right? (Duh! They serve it at Chi-Chi's!)
6.) Then I'll ride my magic carpet over to Dubai where they eat gold bars and sand-wiches (funny!) dipped in oil. That's totally what they eat-- I read it in National Geographic. No, no I didn't.
 |
| Dude, you can seriously find stock photos of ANYTHING. |
7.) Finally, I'll come home to American soil to enjoy a hearty meal of Freedom Toast and Freedom Fries, while someone plays La Vie en Freedom on the Freedom Horn.
Mmm, open wide!!
U.S.A.'s A-OKAY!!
-Lauren
Sources:
