9.09.2011
4.22.2011
This Flan Is Your Flan, This Flan Is My Flan
Well, my little Sour Skittles, we're in the home stretch. Just a few more days, and I'll be tearing down the street on a full-out sugar bender, fueling my Rocky Mountain candy high with Oreos, Jolly Ranchers, and Whatchamacallits, until I'm sweating chocolate and I collapse in a heap in the middle of Montgomery Road, sad and alone in nothing but a soiled pair of lederhosen. (Which is pretty much how I imagine Augustus Gloop would look now if Vh1 aired a "Wonka's Golden Ticket Winners: Where Are They Now?" special.) But more realistically, I'll look like Phillip, the Hyper-Hypo.
The way I see it, my love of all things chocolate and beer is really just a salute to my Swiss heritage. I mean, so what if I pop those Lindt truffles like aspirin? It's my way of saying,
"Thank you, Switzerland, for being
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| I'm a Hyper-Hypo! |
"Thank you, Switzerland, for being the landlocked, politically-neutral, Red Cross-wavin', chalet-buildin', time piece-craftin', Ricola-suckin' nation you are!" But don't let my Suisse Miss-ness fool you: just because my great-grandparents weren't Russian or Italian or French doesn't mean I can't appreciate other countries' "epicuriosities." In fact, this Easter, I think I'll have my own 'round the world celebration:
1.) In honor of Prince Billy Boy and Kitty Kat Middleton and their impending nuptials, (and my boss who is British by birth and English by the grace of God,) I'll start off the day with a nice cup of Earl Grey and a biscuit with marmalade. Except I don't know where I'm supposed to find "biscuits." My idea of a biscuit is a crumbly thing that either comes out of a Pillsbury canister or a box marked "KFC." Also, I don't like marmalade. Okay, so just the tea then.
2.) But man shan't live on tea alone, so I'll bid my comrades in Russia a chilly "dobraye utra" with a healthy dose of Kamchatka Vodka in my Bloody Mary. (Ashley and I are such fans, we shot an infomercial for them... for FREE. Wouldja believe it only took two takes??? I knoooow!)
3.) About this time I'll be looking for something to soak up the paint thinner-- I mean-- vodka in my gut, so some tiramisu is just what "il dottore" ordered. (See what I did there?!) Perfetto!
4.) Then I'll "hop over" to France (obligatory Easter Bunny reference) for a generous helping of whatever they eat. (Cigarette Pie? Croissan'Wiches??)
5.) Um, okay, next I'll holla 'hola' at Mexico and indulge in a vat of fried ice cream. That's traditional Mexican fare, right? (Duh! They serve it at Chi-Chi's!)
6.) Then I'll ride my magic carpet over to Dubai where they eat gold bars and sand-wiches (funny!) dipped in oil. That's totally what they eat-- I read it in National Geographic. No, no I didn't. |
| Dude, you can seriously find stock photos of ANYTHING. |
7.) Finally, I'll come home to American soil to enjoy a hearty meal of Freedom Toast and Freedom Fries, while someone plays La Vie en Freedom on the Freedom Horn.
Mmm, open wide!!
U.S.A.'s A-OKAY!!
-Lauren
Sources:
4.15.2011
Did You Know... Girl Scout Cookies are Made of Drugs
Days 32-35
cajoling with Cadbury Creme Eggs, and hawking hot cross buns and Hamantashen, but now hordes of little green and brown-vested harpies have descended upon store fronts, church narthexes, and mall entrances pushing their drugs. By "harpies" I mean Girl Scouts. And by "drugs" I mean Thin Mints.
If one more child demands to know whether I'd like to buy a box of Samoas, I'm going to run screaming into Amish country where there ain't a Girl Scout for 100 miles. No Girl Scouts-- just a bunch of Sarah Plain 'n Talls selling butter churns. And I'm not addicted to butter churns... yet.
Kisses,
L
Sources
http://www.gracecentered.com/christian_forums/general-discussion/anyone-buying-evil-peeps-for-kids/msg777839/
http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/HarpingOnAboutHarpies
http://www.doitmarketing.com/resources/marketing-articles/sell-like-a-girl/
http://www.getdressedforbattle.co.uk/acatalog/Pots_and_Pans_and_Big_Spoons.html#aCK_2f_20ULF_2dCP_2d19Z
Okay, it's bad enough that everywhere I go, grocery stores are pimping Peeps,
cajoling with Cadbury Creme Eggs, and hawking hot cross buns and Hamantashen, but now hordes of little green and brown-vested harpies have descended upon store fronts, church narthexes, and mall entrances pushing their drugs. By "harpies" I mean Girl Scouts. And by "drugs" I mean Thin Mints.
If one more child demands to know whether I'd like to buy a box of Samoas, I'm going to run screaming into Amish country where there ain't a Girl Scout for 100 miles. No Girl Scouts-- just a bunch of Sarah Plain 'n Talls selling butter churns. And I'm not addicted to butter churns... yet.
Kisses,
L
Sources
http://www.gracecentered.com/christian_forums/general-discussion/anyone-buying-evil-peeps-for-kids/msg777839/
http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/HarpingOnAboutHarpies
http://www.doitmarketing.com/resources/marketing-articles/sell-like-a-girl/
http://www.getdressedforbattle.co.uk/acatalog/Pots_and_Pans_and_Big_Spoons.html#aCK_2f_20ULF_2dCP_2d19Z
4.13.2011
All My Dogs Do is Spoon and Lick the Kitchen Floor
This entry has nothing to do with anything. I just love the crap out of my dogs-- even if all they do is lay on top of each other like a couple of hairy sock monkeys.
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| Too tired to make it inside. |
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| Laying out their secret club's bylaws in their "Puppy Fort" |
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| Everybody needs a pitbull for a pillow. |
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| Pillow Talk. (I need to stop referring to them as "brother and sister" because their relationship has serious romantic undertones.) |
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| Miss Mary: "Get your ass out of my face." Toby: "Get your face out of my ass." |
4.08.2011
I Know What You Are...
Recently, superfriend and fellow FemTron, Ashley, (http://www.ashleygarmany.com/) posted this picture to her blog and I about farted a cupcake:
But I woke up this morning with an ice cream cake craving so powerful, I almost drove to Forks so I could cliff dive at La Push and catch a glimmer of Cake's sweet face before losing consciousness, a la Bella Swan. Then that got me thinking about my recent foray into the world of Twilight. So in an effort to take my mind off of sweet, sexy frosting, I thought I'd re-post some of my Twilight musings from mine and Ashley's mostly defunct blog, http://www.whatcrawledupyourskirt.com/.
Enjoy, Spidermonkeys!
Bon Courage,
Lomes
Sources
http://twilightguide.com/tg/2009/08/02/twilight-cakes-8/
http://www.colorandflavorshop.com/product.php?productid=42927&cat=10&page=1
Historically, I've never been a big fan of ice cream cake: I like ice cream AND/OR cake-- not when they're ionically-bound together like a two-for-one value meal. It's like, "Hmm, ya know what would go well with this runny ice cream? Crumbs. That way I can get a brain freeze and choke at the same time."
Of course, being that I'm on Day 31 of my "No Noms For You!" Lenten dessert fast, a toenail dipped in FlufferNutter is sounding pretty good right about now. (Incidentally, that's probably a thematic précis for several foot fetish films.)
Anyhow, my inner fat kid Jeremy has been clamoring for cake since Day 1, and up to this point I've done a pretty decent job of assuaging his grief with peanut butter crackers, cherry yogurt, and Chocolate Lip Smackers.
 |
| Other popular household uses include: delicious spread for toast and nipple tassel adhesive |
But I woke up this morning with an ice cream cake craving so powerful, I almost drove to Forks so I could cliff dive at La Push and catch a glimmer of Cake's sweet face before losing consciousness, a la Bella Swan. Then that got me thinking about my recent foray into the world of Twilight. So in an effort to take my mind off of sweet, sexy frosting, I thought I'd re-post some of my Twilight musings from mine and Ashley's mostly defunct blog, http://www.whatcrawledupyourskirt.com/.
Enjoy, Spidermonkeys!
Bon Courage,
Lomes
Sources
http://twilightguide.com/tg/2009/08/02/twilight-cakes-8/
http://www.colorandflavorshop.com/product.php?productid=42927&cat=10&page=1
4.05.2011
Mo' Sponge Cake
It happened again-- (no, I didn't pee my pants in my car.) I dreamt about cake again. Sponge cake, more precisely. I woke up thinking, "Sponge cake? Really?" I mean, isn't that the Jennifer Garner of cake? Like, not unappetizing per se, but you wouldn't knock your grandma over for it, either.
(Spongiffer)
Which reminds me: only 20 days to go, my little Cadbury Eggs!
(Bee-Tee-Dubs: When Lent is over, I'm gonna eat soooo many Reese's Peanut Butter Eggs, I'm going to look like Violet Beauregarde, only brown... so basically like Mo'Nique.)
3.26.2011
The Colder I Am, the More I Have to Pee
It's colder than a well-digger's winker in the house right now. Apparently, it's supposed to snow tonight. (Good thing we ran out of oil yesterday!)
So bring on the vodka, Comrades, cuz this 'devoesjka is chil-lay and getting ready to put on her beer blanket!
Oh, and it's Day18 and I ain't got no Gobstoppers rollin' around in my Buddha Belly! Success!!
That is all.
Lomo
Sources
http://www.adrants.com/
So bring on the vodka, Comrades, cuz this 'devoesjka is chil-lay and getting ready to put on her beer blanket!
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| Dosvedanya! |
Oh, and it's Day18 and I ain't got no Gobstoppers rollin' around in my Buddha Belly! Success!!
That is all.
Lomo
Sources
http://www.adrants.com/
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